I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
