You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
