shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
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Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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