I'm so fucking centered right now
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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