I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
