Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
