An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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