Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
