So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
