My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
