i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
