he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He felt like a one man threesome
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
