So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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