Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
