Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
His nipple licking is glorious
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