Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
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If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
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Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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