I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
