Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
