glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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