Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
