I just pynch a tree in the face
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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