He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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