dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
