well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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