I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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