The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
