She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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