You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
