so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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