Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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