WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
