You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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