Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All the doctor said was why
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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