Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
