I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
lol hangovers are for mortals.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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