I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
