My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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