I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
