I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
