I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
