connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
