Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
