Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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