is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
