i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
