i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
