i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
