Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
