Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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