It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
