Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
