Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
