Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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