the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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