the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
