matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
