I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
There's always time for handjobs
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
