Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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